Let me be melodramatic

I'm so tired of crying.
And I don't want to be tired anymore.
I don't want to cry anymore.

Looking in the back of the book for the answers

It's Christmas season and I'm not happy.
There's something wrong with me and I don't know what it is.
And I'm trying to stop it while I still see it happening, but I don't know how.
It breaks my heart to see progress and growth deteriorating. And I'm reaching and reaching to people because I need to be fixed. I need people to keep me okay.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

Kiss today goodbye and point me toward tomorrow.

We did we had to do...
And I can't regret what I did for love.

Yayayayay holiday season!

Words can't describe how little I care about this poet analysis paper for AP lit. I do however care deeply about the fact that is now officially CHRISTMAS SEASON. Three thumbs up for frost that makes the ground sparkle, twinkling lights, the smell of Christmas trees, shiny wrapping paper, Christmas music playing everywhere you go, red things with white trim, big round ornaments, peppermints and candy canes, driving by houses and yard with festive decorations, presents for people I love, Christmas cookies and gingerbread houses...yay. It's the most wonderful time of the year. (:

Not to mention it's speech season- my two favorite seasons, overlapping! I'm going to turn on Pandora's Christmas station so that I'll at least feel kind of happy while writing this gross paper. HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (:

Hahaha

Me and saying stupid things without considering the consequences go hand in hand.

I need another story

I need someone who makes me happy. I'm not saying that I'm not happy, or that I'm co-dependent or not capable of making myself happy. Not at all. But considering all of the circumstances of my life right, I could just really use one of those people- the ones who just make. you. happy. The kind of person who, no matter what else is going on around you, will always make everything okay and always make you smile? I want one of those right now. I just kind of feel like now's the time for that.

The playful conversation starts, counter all your quick remarks

And it was enchanting to meet you.
All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you.

Live from New York

My dream job would be to be on SNL. Not even one bit kidding.

You called me sugar.

Have you ever thrown a fistful of glitter in the air? Have you ever looked fear in the face and said 'I just don't care'?

Spectrums Spectrums

On one hand, people make me mad. On the other hand, I don't give a damn about what other people say, think, or do.
Like it would be nice if everyone agreed with me all of the time but that would be a pretty boring world, huh?
It would just be nice if people could get off my back for a second. I'm not perfect and neither are you. I'll apologize for my mistakes but I won't apologize for who I am. Because that's no mistake, and if it were it would be no mistake of mine.

Conversations

I want to run my hands through your hair and laugh into your neck.

What have I done?

I just want to take ten steps back. Or more.
Why do I always feel like I need new people in my life?
Or more people in my life?
I miss security, and reliability, and comfort, and trust.
I miss feeling safe with the people that surround me.
I miss understanding what was going on around me.
I want to take ten steps back.

The original NFL

I love speech.
That is all.

So fed up I can't even think up a title.

But getting screwed over sucks.

I hope I get it, pt 2.

Look at all the people...
How many people does he need? How many boys? How many girls?
Answer: THREE.


I know, this post is shockingly familiar.

I hope I get it. I need this job? Well.

Monologues

I actually really love the ones I've picked this time. They really aren't OUTSTANDING monologues, but they're so charming to me. Characters that fit me like a glove, thank you!

If you read my blog, you'll know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Sometimes I'll do something and I'll think to myself, "that is so Raven". An then other times, I'll do something and I'll be like, "that was not very Raven".

Don't drag me into this...

Talk about dramatic... I want no part in your immature fights. I'm secure enough in myself to remove myself from the situation entirely and leave you to be catty amongst yourselves. I do not need your approval or your company.

I can't sleep. Thoughtsthoughtsthoughts

I love my school.
I want fall to come.
Homecoming scares me.
I think I have a shopping problem.
I'm afraid to grow up.
It's like, before I was thinking about my future, but now I'm going to start to actually make plans for my future... not things I'm interested in or might do, but I'm going to be planning what I'll actually do. And the next step is.... doing it. And I'm scared.
I hate this characteristic I have to want to do everything all at the same time.
I need to stop using the phrase 'I want'.
To be honest I don't care about the Scarlet Letter.
Shouldn't it be easier than this?
Time flies. Day turns to day.
"And I've been looking in the back of the book for the answers, hoping the bell wouldn't chime. But I'm not ready to put down my pencil just yet. There are too many answers that I didn't get. I need a little less pressure and a little more time."
NOW cd's, lol. So many people totally want to buy a CD full of music from 2 months ago that they've been sick of all season long. FOR SURE.
I hope nobody ever really falls for those commercials with like the dumb screen that scans your hand or the picture texts of Edward Cullen and Jacob Black... and you have to pay like ten dollars a month... What the heck hahahaha.

Head first, fearless.

Fearlessness.

this happened.

i accidentally turned in my student info sheet to mr. geunin looking like this in the last section:
Q- Is there anything else you would like me to know about you?
A- I'm a g


.............. uh

i'm not going to explain how it happened. all i'm saying is that it was an honest mistake.

The innocent can never last

Things I'll miss about summer 2010.

-doing whatever i wanted whenever i wanted
-literally no stress
-late night facebook chats
-late night anything
-waking up at noon and not feeling lazy about it
-looking like crap because i don't have to leave my house if i don't want to
-the belfry stage
-the belfry backstage
-the smell of the belfry
-the belfry dressing rooms
-the golden garter
-the deadwood stage
-my dressing room girls
-my lines
-my costumes
-my props
-the drive to the belfry at 6:30
-the drive home from the belfry at 10
-standing in the belfry lobby, hearing the overture, and waiting to enter through the swinging doors
-my giant chicago hat
-my bonnet that drove me nuts
-my petticoat thaat drove me nuts
-my hair that drove me nuts
-my cast that drove me nuts

come to think of it... calamity jane was my entire summer. to quote anna, the worst part about doing a show is leaving. always. that little renovated church building in the middle of nowhere, that cheesy music and predictable script, and those 27 weirdos that i'm proud to call my cast made my summer. and i'll feel their absence every night from 7 to 10, when i'm not on stage with them. i love you guys. i miss you guys. thanks for always laughing at my stories. ...then throwing them in the story basket. and thanks for making memories with me. i'll never forget a single one you talented freaks. yeah... calamity jane was my summer. and i loved every second of it.

If you're certain what you wish is what you want.

I wish people followed through on their committments. Especially when they involve me.
I wish school wasn't about to start.
I wish annoying people could learn to take a hint.
I wish I was secure enough in my bounceback ability to take a risk when it involves another person.
I wish I didn't appear so ditzy. I'm not.
I wish hard work paid off. Usually it does, but not everything is so black and white.
I wish things didn't change before I have the opportunity to enjoy them.
I wish I could write myself the way I want to be read.
I wish I knew how to stop wishing. It's my biggest flaw.


EDIT: Blogger says I posted this at 9:01 PM on August 6th... I couldn't have! I was doing a show at that very moment! Hmph.

My strange habits.

I do lots of weird things. And some things that aren't so weird, just really annoying.

I tell really stupid stories.
I sing in the shower. Loudly.
I make up songs about whatever I'm doing at the moment.
I change subjects abruptly when I have a thought (usually pointless and stupid but entertaining to me) that I feel needs sharing, or when I'm bored with the current subject. Or both. Usually both.
I beatbox and/or scat when someone puts me on hold on the phone. It always sucks when they come back before I finish my run and they hear it...

The cool points are out the window and you got me all twisted up in the game.

Things I very much dislike:
-Texting someone and being paranoid that somehow the text will send itself to the wrong person.
-Talking to someone and being afraid you'll mention something you know not because they told you, but from some light internet stalking.
-Wanting to keep a conversation going but having absolutely nothing to say.
-That moment in the middle of an argument when you realize you're wrong.
-People who think that because they're "street smart", they're actually smart. ...No, you're still stupid.
-That weird ache that isn't normal shoe-pain after wearing character shoes for extended amounts of time.
-Cyclists. Drivers hate pedestrians, pedestrians hate drivers, but no matter what mode of transportation, everyone always hates cyclists.
-Having to go to the gas station. Like I know it's necessary for my car to run, but for some reason, whenever I see that it's getting empty, I think "is this REALLY necessary?" Ugh.
-When you meet someone for the first time, and it's a really awkward situation that's like a one-time deal, but they're gonna think you're weird forever. Like I've met people on days where I had curlers in my hair for a show that night, or like I hadn't slept in 36 hours or something and I'm like "I swear I don't always look/act like this".

Things I Love:
-Chelsea Lately. I feel weird on nights where I go to sleep having not watched one of the showings of Chelsea Lately before I go to sleep.
-Being on stage.
-Speech team.
-Freaks that are on speech team that I encounter at meets.
-Boys with pretty smiles and pretty voices.
-Big cities full of lights.
-The Beatles
-SUMMER. Pleasepleaseplease don't let school start again.
-Pianos.
-Glee.
-Cardigans.
-Lady Gaga.
-Holding hands.
-Colorful chunky rings.
-Longggg hair. My hair's finally getting long.
-Showers.

Nobody reads this anymore.

I mean, I doubt hardly anyone ever did. But I took the link off Facebook, and I didn't really have followers sooo yeah. I don't mind. Obviously I wanted it that way, or else I would have kept the link up. I guess it seems silly to write to an audience I'm aware no longer exists, but I figured I'd feel sillier writing in a diary or something. I hadn't blogged in well over a month, and I'd realized that the way I sounded in my blog isn't the way I wanted myself to read to strangers. I'd rather blog to a limited audience of people who know me as more than what I write on here rather than allow people who have no record with me other than what they read here to judge me via blog. Don't get me wrong, judge me all you want. Even if I said not to you all still would. But if you're gonna dislike me, I'd rather you dislike me for what I actually am. Not what I seem thanks to the weird things I post on here when my emotions are high. That seems to be the only time I ever blog, which is probably why I sound so stupid in these posts.

I'm all for unselfishness, but sometimes it's about me and only me.

I like who I am.
And I have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone.
:D

You are the best thing about this place.

It's the lamest place in the world, but it just got a little better.
Yes, the lamest place in the world has lots of flaws,
but maybe it'll be fine because it brought me to you.

Lol.

I don't blog about people who I'd ever think might read my blog.
Lol, I'm not that stupid...
I've been attacked for it before, I'm not dumb enough to let it happen again.
Nothing on here is about you. Unless you're really creepy, of course.

"...the family is a dying social unit..."

Okay, admitted, this one is probably about who you think it's about. Well, it isn't about my actual family, in case you think that. But it seems like every other day, a friend withing a certain group says "someone told me that you...", and proceed to say what they heard I said/did. And not one of these things have been things I have actually said or done. And they'll never tell me who told them. I wouldn't yell at that person or hate them forever or anything, but it just bothers me to think that rumors are being spread about me (stupid ones, at that) within a circle where we are all supposedly close friends. This is one of those topics that's hard to get across without openly stating what/who I'm talking about. But I'm talking about a group of people referred to as "my family". And even when I don't know who's saying those things about me, it's really irritating to think that people are being so catty and hurtful in a group where we all love each other. I mean, we say we do. But talking badly about people behind their back and spreading lies is immature and just plain nasty. Family doesn't do things like that to each other. No...family doesn't.

If you don't feel it, don't fake it.

I don't fake anything. It's just the way I am. It rubs some people the wrong way, but I won't apologize for my personality. If I don't feel it, I don't say it. And neither should you. We judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our intentions. It's a fact. And a lot of times, it seems harmless. In your mind, you think, "Well I'm just trying to spare their feelings. It would be so mean to just upfront tell them I don't like them!" When you think about what it is you're doing to a person by putting on an illusive mask for them? If you don't like someone...don't hang around them. It's such a simple concept that teenagers apparently can't comprehend. Nobody likes radishes, right? I don't know a single person who eats radishes anyway just to make them feel better. If we're not friends, I'm not about to pretend we are. And it kind of makes me sick when people do that to other people. Just saying.

I don't like it.

I don't like it when people read my blog and think they know who particular posts are directed towards. If you think you know, you probably don't. Because I do everything in my power to make it discreet. If it seems obvious, chances are that it's the opposite of what you think. That's the way I write; I've trained myself that way so that I can't publically rant about people without making it obvious who I'm talking about. Even my close friends who assume they know for sure. In my last post, (and in a bunch of others I'm sure) I use a very general "you". In just about every sentence, "you" is a different person. And they aren't all specific people, and a lot of the time, I don't see things how they are. I bet the people I'm complaining about aren't even trying to treat me like that. More often than not, it's my stress acting up and making things seem much bigger than they actually are. So just saying, never worry that a post is targetted at you or at someone you know. Because I promise... it's not.

Fed up.

I'm fed up with a lot of things.
But I can't blog about it.

I'm not catty.

Um. That isn't normal.

I was Formspring creeping (my favorite hobby and yours) and I read a question about me on someone's Formspring that I don't speak to and never will speak to. It wasn't even a question, more of a statement or a suggestion. Even so, it made me feel exponentially uncomfortable. I figure this is, on a very small scale, how I'd feel if like the CIA knocked on my door and dragged me out of my house, threw me in the back of their van and brought me to some room with no windows and padded ceilings. And I'd be like, "...you got the wrong guy. I didn't do anything to belong here. I had nothing to do with the crystal meth heisters you're after." Like I'd done everything to be safe of Formspring hassle (and steer clear from that person), but I still ended up there...

White wedding innocents.

I'm about to blog about sex.
I know right.

But in all seriousness, I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't be so old-fashioned in my ideals about sex and virginity and what not. Of course I can't force my standards and morals onto other people, but sometimes I tell myself that I need to stop being shocked when I hear stories about my peers and their sexual excursions. We're in high school. I'm well aware that almost everyone has sex.
But that's the part that disturbs me. It really does bother me the way that as teenagers in this day and age, we've created an environment where it's practically unheard of to have a long term relationship without any sexual activity whatsoever. Does that not bother anyone else?!
Teenagers toss sex around like it's nothing. Everyone seems to have their way of justifying it. "I know it's a big decision, but we've been dating for almost a year." Does that make it okay? Really? Because in the grand scheme of things, think realistically about how many relationships you will go through before you marry your future spouse. And think about how long those relationships might last. Does almost a year of dating when you're 16 seem like the appropriate time to give up the strongest proof of love? Not to sound like a CPR teacher playing a broken record, but your virginity is a gift you can only give once, to one person. I'm just about certain that when I'm old and shribbled up, I'm going to look back at all the men I will have dated by then, and if I were to pick the one I'd want to give something that important to, it isn't going to be my "almost a year" in high school.
It's just something far too big for us to understand at age 16. It means more than we know in the grand scheme of things. I'll be the last person to tell you that you can't fall in love as a teenager. But I'll be the first to tell you that you don't understand love as a teenager, no matter how strongly you've felt it. Sex, love, and virginity are concepts far bigger than us that we can't even begin to understand the meaning of at our age. And you don't play around with things you don't understand.

But I'm not the kind of person who tries to live other people lives for them, or force my ideals down anyone's throat. I won't tell you to stop living the way you're living or doing what you want to do. But I think the lack of value our generation places on virginity is sickening.

I read somewhere that because of the way our society views sex, a virgin has become a "rare and beautiful thing". In that case, and in any case, I am DAMN proud to be a virgin.

That one feeling.

You know that feeling? Maybe you don't. But I do.
The feeling that... well, frankly, that nobody likes you?
I'd lived my entire life in a puddle of esteem issues and self doubt that kept me from becoming the person I wanted to be. And at some point last year, I got fed up with it and I realized that breaking out of my shell and becoming who I wanted to be went hand in hand with developing the confidence I'd always wanted.
And all of the sudden, I liked who I was. Things weren't perfect, but I was happy. I got myself in the mindset I wanted to be in. It was the realization that things would never be perfect, and I had to be okay with that knowing that I like who I am and where I am, and that's what matters. That's what builds happiness.
But that insecure little girl is still inside of me. And lately, she's been dragging her way out and pulling me down.
A few weeks ago, someone told me, "You just get everything. I know you don't ask for it, but you just seem to get everything. And that leaves people bitter."
I don't get everything. I guess I get all the things I never asked for and didn't particularly want, but none of the things I'd kill to have. And even when they're things I didn't ask for, I'm not going to angry that I received them. This is probably too vague to understand, but oh well.
Still, she was right. It leaves people bitter.
When I do things wrong, it leaves people bitter. When I do things right, it leaves poeple bitter.
And even though I have some really great people in my life who love me, lately I've been feeling like I have a world of opponents. People who, for no good reason, don't want me to succeed. I don't know of a single person that I've actually given a reason to crave my failure. And I don't know why, but I get this awful feeling lately that it's me against the world.
No matter what happens to me, it's hard to be happy for myself when everybody is refusing to be happy for me. I'm sick of being treated like I don't deserve to accomplish what I have.
I am where I am for a reason. I'm not on top of the world. I'm nowhere near it. But I'm on the climb; I'm off the ground. Don't try to pull me down.
I know this is the stupidest post in the world. I know that.
But it comes down toa simple statement. It's as if nobody is on my side. I can't make you like me, but I can tell you this: I've done everything I can to gain your support. I deserve it now.

It can't always be the long flat orange brick.

Yeah, I know. Friday night and I'm home, by myself, playing tetris. Probably embarrassing to those of you with legitimate social lives, but it's been so long since I've had a free weekend that I kind of forgot how to make plans for them. Besides, it's been a rough day. A really rough day.

So, here I am, trying to find some way to entertain myself. And I know I should do something productive with my time. Or, I could play tetris.

And I thought, I could use a little tetris. I could use a couple minutes of letting the bricks just... fall. I'll do what I can do manuever them when possible, but I can't control which brick comes next. Sometimes it's the convenient long orange one. Sometimes, it's not.

And there are days where all that's falling is the awkward 2-row orange and toothpaste-blue ones.

And sometimes, it looks like all of the right bricks are falling, but for some reason, it just doesn't seem to fit the way it should.

And then they start falling fast. And they build up. And the tower is stretching higher and higher. And you just think, "What do I do now?" So I do nothing. I let them fall as they will, knowing that I'll just have to start a new game.

And I chose to view this as a metaphor.

"God, I hope I get it."

"How many people does he need?" "How many boys?" "How many girls?"

Most intense audition ever.

4 hours and x minutes until I find out. If I got it. Small cast. So many talented people. "I hope I get it."

One midnight gone.

One show night gone.
I love my cast and crew.

Delinquent

I got a pass to the dean today. Like a half hour ago. I was so scared. Because, I mean, I'm one of those kids who see the pass and freak out in their heads, thinking "what did i do...?!" I didn't know where to go or where to sign in or which chair to sit in, because I'd never been to a dean's office and had never planned on it. But then I get there, and it was about attendence. And I explained how sick I was at the beginning of the semester, and how I have so many appointments to check up on it.


And then she saw my Into the Woods t-shirt, smiled at me and told me to "Break a leg tonight!" and sent me on my way.

It was quite the adventure.

On a seperate note, it's opening night.

Into the woods, the time is now.

Speaking good.

I love speech.
Yesterday I had speech sectionals.
And as ready as I am to be done with my drama piece (haha), it reminded me how much I love speech.
It's one of those things that I forget how much I love throughout the week, preparing for my next meet or freaking out that I'm missing tech rehearsal for sectionals.
But when Saturday comes and I'm at a meet... there's something about the atmosphere of a speech meet that I love so much.
I was talking to my coach and a friend of mine on my team about how speech always seems to collide with my other extracurriculars, and I said that it seems like the adults in charge of all my other activities always seem to tell me, "I know you're involved in other things, but this has to come first."

And I said that the reason I always want to make speech a priority is that speech is the only thing that hasn't demanded to come first.

I want to put it first.

Keep an eye out.

Alice in Wonderland opened today.
As of today, there are some very rich drug dealers out there.

How eventful.

I threw up at school today. They made me go home.

Missing rehearsal sucks enough.

I don't care, I'm still going to my speech practice at 6.

The music and the mirror.

I feel like I'm at the studio all the time lately. Like every free moment I have I spend in the studio.
The floors smell a little too strongly like lemon and the pain in my feet is comforting and cold of the bar on the leg stings and I love the color of it all.
"Forget it all. Forget everything except for why it is that you love to dance."


Wouldn't have it any other way.

Pounding headache.

I am drained. Overwhelmed. Stretched thin. On my brink. At my breaking point. Newspaper makes me cry.









The fact that next Saturday I have speech districts for which I'll wake up at 4:30 AM and be at until 4 PM, then go to school because I have a show that night (closing night) really just sunk in. THAT SUCKS. Even though it means spending my entire morning, day, and evening with things, activities, places, and people that I love, THAT SUUUCKS.

Short Stories of my Uneventful Life

Yesterday after first period, I went to my locker to see it was leaking. Water. But there was no liquid inside of my locker. Not to my knowledge, anyway. I even checked- I was right. I guess I'll never know what made my locker cry.

Regarding the material we are learning in class, my chemistry teacher keeps saying, "This is simple. You don't need to come to chemistry class to understand this stuff." And I keep thinking, "Then why am I here?"

Yesterday at rehearsal I was skipping and singing "Into the woods to grandmother's house!" in the hallway. I skipped square into a locker and knocked my head on the brick wall. I decided to act like nobody saw it and move on with my life. By posting it on here, I guess that defeats the purpose of pretending it didn't happen.

I dislocated my patella (it's the plate that covers your knee cap) at dance on Friday, and after it was knocked back into place (I know, ouch) I was told to wrap it tightly in medical tape before any physical activity to keep it in place until it fully heals. So yesterday in the locker room before gym, I tried to, but the tape wouldn't rip. I tried pulling, tearing, and eventually, biting. (Medical tape isn't yummy). Eventually I gave up and went to gym where I stretched, jumped, did pushups, jogged, sprinted, and played dodgeball without medical tape on my patella. Nothing happened.

This morning, I got a phone call at 6:28 AM. It frightened me. It took me a long time to fix the damage done by flinching while applying liquid eyeliner.

Ten minutes later, I stepped on my Glee CD. It didn't break. The case didn't even crack. God exists.

My car is sort of like a Jeep. It isn't a Jeep, but it's similar. It has a tire on the back like a Jeep. Someone asked me if I keep a spare tire for the back in the trunk. Golden.

On Saturday evening, my friend Emma and I went to a 5:00 mass at Holy Spirit. (I know, rambunctous teenagers we are.) Despite popular belief, Holy Spirit isn't the only Catholic church around. And while she and I are both Catholic, Holy Spirit is not the church either of us regularly attend. Therefore we knew not of their mass schedule. We walked in, sat down in the pews and began to pray as we listened to the Dave Matthews esque band and wondered why we were the only people in such a large church until approximately 5:04. That was when we realized: the mass was at 5:30. We protuded on the band's rehearsal.

Today, in one of my classes, someone sneezed. It was followed by a chorus of "Bless you!"s. I waited about four seconds and said, "Now let us pray." Thank you MLIA.

I worry I throw my fear around.

My fear, stress, and fear have become the defining aspect of my personality. I don't like it, but until I learn to fight my anxiety, that's how it will be. But that's almost part of it. I'm teaching myself to say that "until it changes, this is what it's gonna be like". About everything. I can only do as much as I can do, and I can't keep pushing myself past my own limits. I will do what can be done. I'm always forcing myself to do more than can be done. And now, I am here to stop myself from it. From this point on, I will do only what I can do and after I reach that limit, I will tell myself to relax. To pay no mind to what I can't control and stop being scared. When I was little, I was scared of everything. Well of course, most of us were as kids. But I guess I never really grew out of it, did I? But when I was a kid, my dad would always say to me, "There's nothing to be afraid of." He told me that every time my little blue eyes welled up with fear. And they still do. But he doesn't tell me that anymore. I guess he figures that I know it by now. So I'll do it for him. I won't let myself be scared again. I mean, it's a proccess. I'm still gathering my health and my thoughts and everything. But when I start to worrying, I'll hear that voice in my head, reminding me that there's nothing to be afraid of. 'Cause after all, I'm not afraid.

Yet at the end of the day this life is still what I choose.

Okay, I've kind of learned that there are some observations you make on your public blog. There are other that just shouldn't be mentioned. This is probably one of them. I'm talking about it anyway. Before I say this, I am going on the record stating that I love choir. A lot of good friends of mine are in choir. And I really really really wish I could take choir. But I can't. With newspaper taking up an entire class, and all of my required classes, I really have no room in my schedule. That being said, you know the policy that requires the separation of church and state? Our school needs a policy requiring the separation of choir and theatre (particularly of the musical variety). The last thing I want to do is aggravate choir people; I love you guys. This isn't targetted at you. But choir and the musical are two separate activities. So why do I feel like I'm being punished for only choosing to participate in one? Sure, the skills taught in choir transfer into musicals. But is it assumed that because I'm not in choir that I don't know what I'm doing? Like school choir is the only way one can attain said skills? I'm not the bitter one, and that isn't anything close to my goal here. But none of us can deny the favoritism that exists within our performing arts department. (Although some try... /: ) I love our theatre department to death. Really, I do. But the fact that I can't be a part of the choral department really shouldn't have anything to do with how I'm treated in the theatre department. E above the staff. And that's the last I'll say about that.

I'm writing this in my computer apps class.

I was going to write about my guilty pleasures, but I thought about it and came to the conclusion that if I do/enjoy really embarrassing things, it would be beyond stupid to share them here. But I did want to embarrass myself in one way or another, so I'll embarrass the me I was like nine years ago. Cheers to the stupid things I've done/enjoyed in the past.

-The Olsen twins. I just think this is funny because they turned out to be stoners with eating (and fashion...) disorders. Right? They did, didn't they? At age 8, Sarah Lines and I were kind of convinced that the greatest proffession we could ever aspire to be when we grew up was "Olsen twin". And so we'd pretend we were the Olsen twins. She was always Mary-Kate and I was always Ashley. It's kind of funny how that turned out, because wasn't Ashley the really uptight one? ...Lol. I was always this way.

-The Jonas Brothers. On the list of horrible interests I've had in the past, I'd pretty much guaruntee this one takes the top spot. Partially because I was 14, so I can't blame it on being too young to know better. I knew better, and I still spent the entire summer before freshman year rocking out to Burnin' Up and the Camp Rock soundtrack. I owned a shirt with Nick Jonas' face on it. (...Yeah, owned...past tense...because I don't still have that in my closet...or anything...) I went to their concert and cried from emotional overwhelm. (I don't think 'overwhelm' serves as a noun, but the grammar police will just have to hop off) I don't even want to think about how much time I wasted obsessing over the Jonas Brothers.

-The Impossible Quiz. I think of this because the girl who sits next to me in this class is doing it right now, and has been for the past few weeks. All I have to say about this one is that that's 4 days of my life I'll never get back...

-Clothes. This is an all-encompassing one to all the ridiculous trends from intermediate and junior high that did none of us any good, but are awesome things to look back on.
Gauchos: Did no one learn anything from the parachute pants trend? If it looks something a juditsu champion would wear train in, don't wear it to school. Even if it does say "Bebe" on the back in rhinestones.
Those horrible sparkly belts: You know you remember them. The elastic belts covered in monochromatic sequins that attached at the center with metal like a dog collar, and we all wore them over top of ugly shirts? Win.
The cropped sweater shirt things that tied in the center: My favorite one I owned was a turquoise one from Aeropostale. I know, precious, right?
The lace trimmed tank tops from Abercrombie and Hollister: In retrospect, those were really sleazy.
Birkenstocks: Okay, you're not gonna buy this. But I swear to you... I honestly thought they were cute. It's one thing if you buy them because they're comfortable or because everyone else wears them. But no, I thought they were attractive.
Ugly Intermediate School trends, here's to you.


-Cobra Starship. Almost ironic that they had a song called "Guilty Pleasure"? No offense if you still like them. But really, that was an awful time in my music taste. RIP 8th grade.

If I were you, I'd hate me too.

I definitely just realized how boring my blog is. For anyone but me, this is the most obnoxious, dull, waste of time blog imaginable. So, I'm gonna quit it with the mile long posts that really don't serve any purpose but to house my complaints. And I'm really sick of "the way I see it". I mean, I guess I'll write posts like that every so often, but it's sucked all of the fun out of blogging. (Because that's such an exciting hobby...right? Well, I wouldn't call it my hobby. But still.) Anyway, yeah. Starting today, I'm going to make this blog a lot less dull and pessimistic. Ready... set... go?

It sucks to be me.

They way I see it, it would be nice for everything didn't have to become really awful all at once. I mean, I'm sure it would be cooler if I didn't write this post just to complain about everything and refuse to put my problems into perspective, but I'm doing it anyway. I feel like in the past week I've been at the doctor more than I've been at home, or at school, or anywhere really. I mean, I've gotten sick at least once a month, every month, all sophomore year (and before this year, I hardly ever got sick) but I figured it was no big deal. Just bad luck, you know? Because it would be like one or two days then it'd be done with. But now I've been sick for two weeks straight, and been tested for what feels like a million different things, and every test comes back negative. And the doctors are like, "Well, we can't find anything wrong with you, so go home. Here are some painkillers. Get plenty of rest." Yeah, I'm been taking your painkillers and getting as much rest as a chronic insomniac can and I still feel like death sooo...what else you got? Just because you can't find something wrong with me doesn't mean I feel right. It started with a sore throat that's here somedays and not others, and it turned into horrible fatigue and pounding headaches that make me feel like falling over all time. And on top of that...the anxiety. I've felt overwhelmed all school year. Thanks to one thing. I won't mention what it is because I try my best to be discrete considering I don't know who reads this thing. But I mean, I always felt like it was just normal stress. But it was never the workload that stressed me out. It was the atmosphere, the way I felt when I was in that room. The tension and the pressure...I could handle it for long enough, and I never complained. But last week something happened that set it off...and now I feel paralyzed by it. I swear to you I am not crazy, but I have nightmares about that classroom, it's on my mind 24/7, I'm constantly worried about it. I don't know what I'm afraid of about it, but the entire atmosphere just scares me and worries me and keeps me restless and I can't focus on anything else. So not only am I battling some freako unknown illness that doctors seem to care less about, but some sort of anxiety that's keeping me from functioning in my everyday life. But like I said, I'm still not crazy. And it just sucks because when I have this kind of anxiety and fear crippling me, I can't relax. People say "Just don't think about it". Yeah, if it was that easy, I wouldn't have a problem, would I?" I was okay on Saturday... I was in a different environment, 2 hours from home. But for the most part, I can't not think about it. And it really just sucks to be so overwhelmed, physically and mentally, and still have the world throwing things at you. And I know there are a lot of people out there who have it worse than me, but I just can't handle myself when this is all going on once and I'm still forced to function as best as I can. The world doesn't stop for my instability. I can't be perfect, and I feel like I've spent the past year losing who I am striving toward perfection. My motivation (not to mention a few other quality crucial for stability) has been dragged out, stomped on, and worn out. And I mean, I hate to admit it but maybe it's my fault. Maybe I could never handle the pressure from the start. And it took that one little event for me to fall apart from all the time pretending I could handle it. All I know is as of now, I'm a wreck. And it just sort of feels like there's no way out from here. And even though I doubt anyone read this, and if you did I don't know why, but sorry for putting you through all that. Maybe I could use some thicker skin. It could be a lot worse...I mean, I could be in Haiti right now. But still, right now, it sucks to be me. But hey, that's just the way I see it.

Allll smiles.

I love my life.
I love my friends.
I love dance.
I love God.
I love being happy. (:

'Cause I've worked way too hard to be brushed off just yet.

The way I see it, I'm completely satisfied with the person I am. I've grown up a lot in the past year, particularly in the past few months, and learned that I can't please everyone. As far as that goes, I think I do still sometimes try to please everyone. It's just another aspect of the perfectionism. But for so long, I let myself believe that if things don't go my way, it means that it's always because I'm not good enough. I guess I've gotten to know myself and my abilities, and now I know that not being good enough for you doesn't mean I'm not good enough. But I know that I can do better than you. And your standards. And your little consolation prizes. No, I have bigger things waiting for me outside of your doors. So it's whatever. Because I can do better than that. But hey, that's just the why I see it.