It sucks to be me.

They way I see it, it would be nice for everything didn't have to become really awful all at once. I mean, I'm sure it would be cooler if I didn't write this post just to complain about everything and refuse to put my problems into perspective, but I'm doing it anyway. I feel like in the past week I've been at the doctor more than I've been at home, or at school, or anywhere really. I mean, I've gotten sick at least once a month, every month, all sophomore year (and before this year, I hardly ever got sick) but I figured it was no big deal. Just bad luck, you know? Because it would be like one or two days then it'd be done with. But now I've been sick for two weeks straight, and been tested for what feels like a million different things, and every test comes back negative. And the doctors are like, "Well, we can't find anything wrong with you, so go home. Here are some painkillers. Get plenty of rest." Yeah, I'm been taking your painkillers and getting as much rest as a chronic insomniac can and I still feel like death sooo...what else you got? Just because you can't find something wrong with me doesn't mean I feel right. It started with a sore throat that's here somedays and not others, and it turned into horrible fatigue and pounding headaches that make me feel like falling over all time. And on top of that...the anxiety. I've felt overwhelmed all school year. Thanks to one thing. I won't mention what it is because I try my best to be discrete considering I don't know who reads this thing. But I mean, I always felt like it was just normal stress. But it was never the workload that stressed me out. It was the atmosphere, the way I felt when I was in that room. The tension and the pressure...I could handle it for long enough, and I never complained. But last week something happened that set it off...and now I feel paralyzed by it. I swear to you I am not crazy, but I have nightmares about that classroom, it's on my mind 24/7, I'm constantly worried about it. I don't know what I'm afraid of about it, but the entire atmosphere just scares me and worries me and keeps me restless and I can't focus on anything else. So not only am I battling some freako unknown illness that doctors seem to care less about, but some sort of anxiety that's keeping me from functioning in my everyday life. But like I said, I'm still not crazy. And it just sucks because when I have this kind of anxiety and fear crippling me, I can't relax. People say "Just don't think about it". Yeah, if it was that easy, I wouldn't have a problem, would I?" I was okay on Saturday... I was in a different environment, 2 hours from home. But for the most part, I can't not think about it. And it really just sucks to be so overwhelmed, physically and mentally, and still have the world throwing things at you. And I know there are a lot of people out there who have it worse than me, but I just can't handle myself when this is all going on once and I'm still forced to function as best as I can. The world doesn't stop for my instability. I can't be perfect, and I feel like I've spent the past year losing who I am striving toward perfection. My motivation (not to mention a few other quality crucial for stability) has been dragged out, stomped on, and worn out. And I mean, I hate to admit it but maybe it's my fault. Maybe I could never handle the pressure from the start. And it took that one little event for me to fall apart from all the time pretending I could handle it. All I know is as of now, I'm a wreck. And it just sort of feels like there's no way out from here. And even though I doubt anyone read this, and if you did I don't know why, but sorry for putting you through all that. Maybe I could use some thicker skin. It could be a lot worse...I mean, I could be in Haiti right now. But still, right now, it sucks to be me. But hey, that's just the way I see it.