Lol.

I don't blog about people who I'd ever think might read my blog.
Lol, I'm not that stupid...
I've been attacked for it before, I'm not dumb enough to let it happen again.
Nothing on here is about you. Unless you're really creepy, of course.

"...the family is a dying social unit..."

Okay, admitted, this one is probably about who you think it's about. Well, it isn't about my actual family, in case you think that. But it seems like every other day, a friend withing a certain group says "someone told me that you...", and proceed to say what they heard I said/did. And not one of these things have been things I have actually said or done. And they'll never tell me who told them. I wouldn't yell at that person or hate them forever or anything, but it just bothers me to think that rumors are being spread about me (stupid ones, at that) within a circle where we are all supposedly close friends. This is one of those topics that's hard to get across without openly stating what/who I'm talking about. But I'm talking about a group of people referred to as "my family". And even when I don't know who's saying those things about me, it's really irritating to think that people are being so catty and hurtful in a group where we all love each other. I mean, we say we do. But talking badly about people behind their back and spreading lies is immature and just plain nasty. Family doesn't do things like that to each other. No...family doesn't.

If you don't feel it, don't fake it.

I don't fake anything. It's just the way I am. It rubs some people the wrong way, but I won't apologize for my personality. If I don't feel it, I don't say it. And neither should you. We judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our intentions. It's a fact. And a lot of times, it seems harmless. In your mind, you think, "Well I'm just trying to spare their feelings. It would be so mean to just upfront tell them I don't like them!" When you think about what it is you're doing to a person by putting on an illusive mask for them? If you don't like someone...don't hang around them. It's such a simple concept that teenagers apparently can't comprehend. Nobody likes radishes, right? I don't know a single person who eats radishes anyway just to make them feel better. If we're not friends, I'm not about to pretend we are. And it kind of makes me sick when people do that to other people. Just saying.

I don't like it.

I don't like it when people read my blog and think they know who particular posts are directed towards. If you think you know, you probably don't. Because I do everything in my power to make it discreet. If it seems obvious, chances are that it's the opposite of what you think. That's the way I write; I've trained myself that way so that I can't publically rant about people without making it obvious who I'm talking about. Even my close friends who assume they know for sure. In my last post, (and in a bunch of others I'm sure) I use a very general "you". In just about every sentence, "you" is a different person. And they aren't all specific people, and a lot of the time, I don't see things how they are. I bet the people I'm complaining about aren't even trying to treat me like that. More often than not, it's my stress acting up and making things seem much bigger than they actually are. So just saying, never worry that a post is targetted at you or at someone you know. Because I promise... it's not.

Fed up.

I'm fed up with a lot of things.
But I can't blog about it.

I'm not catty.

Um. That isn't normal.

I was Formspring creeping (my favorite hobby and yours) and I read a question about me on someone's Formspring that I don't speak to and never will speak to. It wasn't even a question, more of a statement or a suggestion. Even so, it made me feel exponentially uncomfortable. I figure this is, on a very small scale, how I'd feel if like the CIA knocked on my door and dragged me out of my house, threw me in the back of their van and brought me to some room with no windows and padded ceilings. And I'd be like, "...you got the wrong guy. I didn't do anything to belong here. I had nothing to do with the crystal meth heisters you're after." Like I'd done everything to be safe of Formspring hassle (and steer clear from that person), but I still ended up there...

White wedding innocents.

I'm about to blog about sex.
I know right.

But in all seriousness, I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't be so old-fashioned in my ideals about sex and virginity and what not. Of course I can't force my standards and morals onto other people, but sometimes I tell myself that I need to stop being shocked when I hear stories about my peers and their sexual excursions. We're in high school. I'm well aware that almost everyone has sex.
But that's the part that disturbs me. It really does bother me the way that as teenagers in this day and age, we've created an environment where it's practically unheard of to have a long term relationship without any sexual activity whatsoever. Does that not bother anyone else?!
Teenagers toss sex around like it's nothing. Everyone seems to have their way of justifying it. "I know it's a big decision, but we've been dating for almost a year." Does that make it okay? Really? Because in the grand scheme of things, think realistically about how many relationships you will go through before you marry your future spouse. And think about how long those relationships might last. Does almost a year of dating when you're 16 seem like the appropriate time to give up the strongest proof of love? Not to sound like a CPR teacher playing a broken record, but your virginity is a gift you can only give once, to one person. I'm just about certain that when I'm old and shribbled up, I'm going to look back at all the men I will have dated by then, and if I were to pick the one I'd want to give something that important to, it isn't going to be my "almost a year" in high school.
It's just something far too big for us to understand at age 16. It means more than we know in the grand scheme of things. I'll be the last person to tell you that you can't fall in love as a teenager. But I'll be the first to tell you that you don't understand love as a teenager, no matter how strongly you've felt it. Sex, love, and virginity are concepts far bigger than us that we can't even begin to understand the meaning of at our age. And you don't play around with things you don't understand.

But I'm not the kind of person who tries to live other people lives for them, or force my ideals down anyone's throat. I won't tell you to stop living the way you're living or doing what you want to do. But I think the lack of value our generation places on virginity is sickening.

I read somewhere that because of the way our society views sex, a virgin has become a "rare and beautiful thing". In that case, and in any case, I am DAMN proud to be a virgin.

That one feeling.

You know that feeling? Maybe you don't. But I do.
The feeling that... well, frankly, that nobody likes you?
I'd lived my entire life in a puddle of esteem issues and self doubt that kept me from becoming the person I wanted to be. And at some point last year, I got fed up with it and I realized that breaking out of my shell and becoming who I wanted to be went hand in hand with developing the confidence I'd always wanted.
And all of the sudden, I liked who I was. Things weren't perfect, but I was happy. I got myself in the mindset I wanted to be in. It was the realization that things would never be perfect, and I had to be okay with that knowing that I like who I am and where I am, and that's what matters. That's what builds happiness.
But that insecure little girl is still inside of me. And lately, she's been dragging her way out and pulling me down.
A few weeks ago, someone told me, "You just get everything. I know you don't ask for it, but you just seem to get everything. And that leaves people bitter."
I don't get everything. I guess I get all the things I never asked for and didn't particularly want, but none of the things I'd kill to have. And even when they're things I didn't ask for, I'm not going to angry that I received them. This is probably too vague to understand, but oh well.
Still, she was right. It leaves people bitter.
When I do things wrong, it leaves people bitter. When I do things right, it leaves poeple bitter.
And even though I have some really great people in my life who love me, lately I've been feeling like I have a world of opponents. People who, for no good reason, don't want me to succeed. I don't know of a single person that I've actually given a reason to crave my failure. And I don't know why, but I get this awful feeling lately that it's me against the world.
No matter what happens to me, it's hard to be happy for myself when everybody is refusing to be happy for me. I'm sick of being treated like I don't deserve to accomplish what I have.
I am where I am for a reason. I'm not on top of the world. I'm nowhere near it. But I'm on the climb; I'm off the ground. Don't try to pull me down.
I know this is the stupidest post in the world. I know that.
But it comes down toa simple statement. It's as if nobody is on my side. I can't make you like me, but I can tell you this: I've done everything I can to gain your support. I deserve it now.