I worry I throw my fear around.

My fear, stress, and fear have become the defining aspect of my personality. I don't like it, but until I learn to fight my anxiety, that's how it will be. But that's almost part of it. I'm teaching myself to say that "until it changes, this is what it's gonna be like". About everything. I can only do as much as I can do, and I can't keep pushing myself past my own limits. I will do what can be done. I'm always forcing myself to do more than can be done. And now, I am here to stop myself from it. From this point on, I will do only what I can do and after I reach that limit, I will tell myself to relax. To pay no mind to what I can't control and stop being scared. When I was little, I was scared of everything. Well of course, most of us were as kids. But I guess I never really grew out of it, did I? But when I was a kid, my dad would always say to me, "There's nothing to be afraid of." He told me that every time my little blue eyes welled up with fear. And they still do. But he doesn't tell me that anymore. I guess he figures that I know it by now. So I'll do it for him. I won't let myself be scared again. I mean, it's a proccess. I'm still gathering my health and my thoughts and everything. But when I start to worrying, I'll hear that voice in my head, reminding me that there's nothing to be afraid of. 'Cause after all, I'm not afraid.

Yet at the end of the day this life is still what I choose.

Okay, I've kind of learned that there are some observations you make on your public blog. There are other that just shouldn't be mentioned. This is probably one of them. I'm talking about it anyway. Before I say this, I am going on the record stating that I love choir. A lot of good friends of mine are in choir. And I really really really wish I could take choir. But I can't. With newspaper taking up an entire class, and all of my required classes, I really have no room in my schedule. That being said, you know the policy that requires the separation of church and state? Our school needs a policy requiring the separation of choir and theatre (particularly of the musical variety). The last thing I want to do is aggravate choir people; I love you guys. This isn't targetted at you. But choir and the musical are two separate activities. So why do I feel like I'm being punished for only choosing to participate in one? Sure, the skills taught in choir transfer into musicals. But is it assumed that because I'm not in choir that I don't know what I'm doing? Like school choir is the only way one can attain said skills? I'm not the bitter one, and that isn't anything close to my goal here. But none of us can deny the favoritism that exists within our performing arts department. (Although some try... /: ) I love our theatre department to death. Really, I do. But the fact that I can't be a part of the choral department really shouldn't have anything to do with how I'm treated in the theatre department. E above the staff. And that's the last I'll say about that.

I'm writing this in my computer apps class.

I was going to write about my guilty pleasures, but I thought about it and came to the conclusion that if I do/enjoy really embarrassing things, it would be beyond stupid to share them here. But I did want to embarrass myself in one way or another, so I'll embarrass the me I was like nine years ago. Cheers to the stupid things I've done/enjoyed in the past.

-The Olsen twins. I just think this is funny because they turned out to be stoners with eating (and fashion...) disorders. Right? They did, didn't they? At age 8, Sarah Lines and I were kind of convinced that the greatest proffession we could ever aspire to be when we grew up was "Olsen twin". And so we'd pretend we were the Olsen twins. She was always Mary-Kate and I was always Ashley. It's kind of funny how that turned out, because wasn't Ashley the really uptight one? ...Lol. I was always this way.

-The Jonas Brothers. On the list of horrible interests I've had in the past, I'd pretty much guaruntee this one takes the top spot. Partially because I was 14, so I can't blame it on being too young to know better. I knew better, and I still spent the entire summer before freshman year rocking out to Burnin' Up and the Camp Rock soundtrack. I owned a shirt with Nick Jonas' face on it. (...Yeah, owned...past tense...because I don't still have that in my closet...or anything...) I went to their concert and cried from emotional overwhelm. (I don't think 'overwhelm' serves as a noun, but the grammar police will just have to hop off) I don't even want to think about how much time I wasted obsessing over the Jonas Brothers.

-The Impossible Quiz. I think of this because the girl who sits next to me in this class is doing it right now, and has been for the past few weeks. All I have to say about this one is that that's 4 days of my life I'll never get back...

-Clothes. This is an all-encompassing one to all the ridiculous trends from intermediate and junior high that did none of us any good, but are awesome things to look back on.
Gauchos: Did no one learn anything from the parachute pants trend? If it looks something a juditsu champion would wear train in, don't wear it to school. Even if it does say "Bebe" on the back in rhinestones.
Those horrible sparkly belts: You know you remember them. The elastic belts covered in monochromatic sequins that attached at the center with metal like a dog collar, and we all wore them over top of ugly shirts? Win.
The cropped sweater shirt things that tied in the center: My favorite one I owned was a turquoise one from Aeropostale. I know, precious, right?
The lace trimmed tank tops from Abercrombie and Hollister: In retrospect, those were really sleazy.
Birkenstocks: Okay, you're not gonna buy this. But I swear to you... I honestly thought they were cute. It's one thing if you buy them because they're comfortable or because everyone else wears them. But no, I thought they were attractive.
Ugly Intermediate School trends, here's to you.


-Cobra Starship. Almost ironic that they had a song called "Guilty Pleasure"? No offense if you still like them. But really, that was an awful time in my music taste. RIP 8th grade.

If I were you, I'd hate me too.

I definitely just realized how boring my blog is. For anyone but me, this is the most obnoxious, dull, waste of time blog imaginable. So, I'm gonna quit it with the mile long posts that really don't serve any purpose but to house my complaints. And I'm really sick of "the way I see it". I mean, I guess I'll write posts like that every so often, but it's sucked all of the fun out of blogging. (Because that's such an exciting hobby...right? Well, I wouldn't call it my hobby. But still.) Anyway, yeah. Starting today, I'm going to make this blog a lot less dull and pessimistic. Ready... set... go?

It sucks to be me.

They way I see it, it would be nice for everything didn't have to become really awful all at once. I mean, I'm sure it would be cooler if I didn't write this post just to complain about everything and refuse to put my problems into perspective, but I'm doing it anyway. I feel like in the past week I've been at the doctor more than I've been at home, or at school, or anywhere really. I mean, I've gotten sick at least once a month, every month, all sophomore year (and before this year, I hardly ever got sick) but I figured it was no big deal. Just bad luck, you know? Because it would be like one or two days then it'd be done with. But now I've been sick for two weeks straight, and been tested for what feels like a million different things, and every test comes back negative. And the doctors are like, "Well, we can't find anything wrong with you, so go home. Here are some painkillers. Get plenty of rest." Yeah, I'm been taking your painkillers and getting as much rest as a chronic insomniac can and I still feel like death sooo...what else you got? Just because you can't find something wrong with me doesn't mean I feel right. It started with a sore throat that's here somedays and not others, and it turned into horrible fatigue and pounding headaches that make me feel like falling over all time. And on top of that...the anxiety. I've felt overwhelmed all school year. Thanks to one thing. I won't mention what it is because I try my best to be discrete considering I don't know who reads this thing. But I mean, I always felt like it was just normal stress. But it was never the workload that stressed me out. It was the atmosphere, the way I felt when I was in that room. The tension and the pressure...I could handle it for long enough, and I never complained. But last week something happened that set it off...and now I feel paralyzed by it. I swear to you I am not crazy, but I have nightmares about that classroom, it's on my mind 24/7, I'm constantly worried about it. I don't know what I'm afraid of about it, but the entire atmosphere just scares me and worries me and keeps me restless and I can't focus on anything else. So not only am I battling some freako unknown illness that doctors seem to care less about, but some sort of anxiety that's keeping me from functioning in my everyday life. But like I said, I'm still not crazy. And it just sucks because when I have this kind of anxiety and fear crippling me, I can't relax. People say "Just don't think about it". Yeah, if it was that easy, I wouldn't have a problem, would I?" I was okay on Saturday... I was in a different environment, 2 hours from home. But for the most part, I can't not think about it. And it really just sucks to be so overwhelmed, physically and mentally, and still have the world throwing things at you. And I know there are a lot of people out there who have it worse than me, but I just can't handle myself when this is all going on once and I'm still forced to function as best as I can. The world doesn't stop for my instability. I can't be perfect, and I feel like I've spent the past year losing who I am striving toward perfection. My motivation (not to mention a few other quality crucial for stability) has been dragged out, stomped on, and worn out. And I mean, I hate to admit it but maybe it's my fault. Maybe I could never handle the pressure from the start. And it took that one little event for me to fall apart from all the time pretending I could handle it. All I know is as of now, I'm a wreck. And it just sort of feels like there's no way out from here. And even though I doubt anyone read this, and if you did I don't know why, but sorry for putting you through all that. Maybe I could use some thicker skin. It could be a lot worse...I mean, I could be in Haiti right now. But still, right now, it sucks to be me. But hey, that's just the way I see it.